Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
