just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
