I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
