obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
