omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
