I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
