God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
