Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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