my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
