i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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