My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
