guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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