Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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