My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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