I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize