I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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