am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
