sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
