mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
