I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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