I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
