it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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