Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
