Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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