I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
