When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize