so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize