Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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