nut hugger
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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