wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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