Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
