as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
