ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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