Just cropdusted the office
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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