Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
