Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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