Reggie can tackle my bush.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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