happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
