non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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