I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
