Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize