I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
