Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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