Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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