I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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