The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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