Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
