I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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