Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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