remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
