you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
