dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
