I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i dont even know how to be here
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
