did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize