plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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