im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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