did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
