Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize