I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
