so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
