i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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