My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
