How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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