Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
