i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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